my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
