shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
