just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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