Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
