I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize