I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You need a sexual gate keeper
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
