after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
