We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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