we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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