An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I have already put on my inside pants.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize