I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
