I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
