I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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