Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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