You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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