I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
