Just fell off a train. Bad.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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