we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
