What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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