I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
