I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
