Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
