Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
