help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
