Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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