I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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