I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
