either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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