ya dads aren't the best wingmen
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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