So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
