I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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