Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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