If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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