the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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