Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
