If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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