I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just pee around me
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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