Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
