Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
