Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
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