No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
