Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
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