We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
