smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
