okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
