sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize