If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Can I color on your dick again?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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