The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
