I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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