shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
