The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
