You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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