There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
