Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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