How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
