the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
